Enlightened Discipline

A Simple Skill becomes a Habit and Changes Everything

2011-09-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

Enlightened Discipline does not create a magic potion that makes children under your power. It certainly isn’t the only way to get children to behave well…adults have been getting children to conform, behave, act differently for centuries. It’s not because there is no other way. It’s not because this way works and another way doesn’t. It is because this way is better. You are better. You are a better teacher, parent and mentor to a child.

With the Enlightened Discipline methods you are teaching so much more than merely what YOU want. You are teaching every child, every time, the WHY in all things. This one additional component gives the child the best possible social and behavioral education. The WHY is what they will carry with them forever.

I liken the Enlightened Discipline strategies to the habit of being polite. For instance, I can usually get people to do for me without having manners. But it will change my experience and theirs immensely when I add a simple “please” and “thank you”.

Similarly, a teacher or parent can get a child to behave. Read all the books, tapes and listen to experts: bribes (called rewards or incentives), isolation and banishment (called time outs), to more punitive punishments abound.

Do they work? Yeah, sure.

Do they teach? They teach a child what the adult wants for that moment in that instance. They do not teach the child how to think on their own and to solve their own problems in the future.

We hear much about “critical thinking” skills in the upper grades, Enlightened Discipline teaches “critical thinking” at the very beginning of life when all ideas are getting locked into place. It’s a simple thing like good manners.

Enlightened Discipline will require you to change your behavior in tiny ways. These changes will become habits and replace old habits. The change in how you effect children will astound you.

We ARE the Change!

2011-08-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

We hear it, read it and LIKE it: the slogans and campaigns that encourage us, the people, to be the ones to make things happen. To be the change, make the move, shake things up. But what does that mean to the life of an early childhood teacher?

It could mean that you are willing to take a stand on the way we teachers treat discipline as a concept and children in general. Are we going to follow the path of all those before us; glaring eyes, gritting teeth teachers who use techniques like bullying, scolding, lecturing and passive punishment (a.k.a. “time outs”) or bribery (a.k.a. “positive reinforcement”)?

Or are YOU going to step into the light and find out we can all work to do it better? To do what we’ve been saying for years: TEACH.

Children must be taught why their behavior matters to them and to others. They must be taught in ways that are internal and will lead them to make the same decisions when you, the adult, are present or when they are on their own. Is it magic? Is it a trick? Is it foolproof? No. It’s good sense, logical and consistent. Like all good things.

If you are willing to step into the light and be counted, start a book club like Twin Rivers Unified School District and read Enlightened Discipline, host a Parent Growth Seminar like Rainbow Day Care and The Center for Spiritual Awareness, offer Enlightened Discipline Teacher Certification like Discovery Tree Schools, Inc and Creative Child Care, Inc. Go talk to your Director, your Principal, your Program Coordinator, whoever you can get to listen.

Cuss and discuss the ideas, challenge each other and yourself and see where you stand. I believe you will stand in the light of Enlightened Discipline when you are finished.

Have another idea? Contact me and share it! Join the wave. Let’s get going. Our kids can’t wait!

Love Enlightened Discipline with me!

Julie

More than Just Words

2011-08-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ø Tone Ø Volume Ø Pitch Ø Body Language

Enlightened Discipline, just like any other method can be abused or misused. I can talk and teach all day long about the “right” words to use when teaching Enlightened Discipline, but like any other method, an individual can manipulate the concept with their tone, volume, pitch or use harsh body language with a child and still technically say the correct words.

Those who are parents or have been teachers in a classroom alone for any length of time absolutely know what I mean.

You can say, “Karen it’s not clean to put your feet on the wall at naptime. Put them on your plastic mat.” The perfect Enlightened Discipline approach.

But all that teacher has to do is: clench her teeth, point with a silent and scolding look in her eyes, raise her tone in volume or a shrieking pitch, (even a quiet, threatening whisper) or loom with her adult body in an intimidating fashion and anything “enlightened” is lost.

I encourage teachers to pass the baton to a new team member when they begin to be frustrated by any child. Know when it’s time to call for a new person to take over. With children, sometimes that’s all they need. The conflict may just be a power struggle with YOU and you can win by bowing out. The same thing applies with two parents. Sometimes the second parent can come in and it changes to whole picture.

Power struggles are no-win for teachers or parents. The whole point to Enlightened Discipline is teaching the child to win in life by behaving in ways that are win-win for the whole world. When your emotions take hold and you want to use the old ways, bow out. Find a partner to help. Once you have pushed back against the force of the child’s will the tug-of-war has begun. The only appropriate way to end it is for YOU to drop your side of the tug-of-war rope. Ask a team member (second parent or older sibling) to pick up where you left off. Their new tone, fresh demeanor will usually work.

Teaching or parenting alone? It’s harder. You will need to give yourself a lot of leverage and drop the tug-of-war rope, (figuratively speaking) immediately, come back in a few minutes with a new perspective and back on track with Safe, Kind and Clean.

Shake Up Your Family Schedule ... and see how much fun you can have!

2011-07-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

We hear how important it is to have quality time, family time, time to get out and exercise, time for enjoying your relationship with your partner or spouse. So maybe you have a date night set aside, but what about all those other nights? How do you pull it all together to make it work?

1. Talk a walk night. That’s right. Something simple like taking a neighborhood walk with the whole family. Take a stroller or wagon, bring the dog or a paper bag for litter pick up (don’t forget hand washing later) but align this with your family style. Just 20 or 30 minutes before dinner, before bath and couch time, before you go and do laundry. Breathe, walk and enjoy the luxury, the freedom, the weather and each other.

2. Picnic dinner. Take dinner to the front yard, back yard or neighborhood park. Take it out to your apartment deck….but take it out of your normal routine. This may be homemade or on a fast food night. Take it outside and make it fun. Spread a table cloth, eat and relax. Listen to each other’s stories, birds, and neighbors and make the meal count.

3. Make videos/dvds a special event not a built in babysitter. Label one night a week “Video Night”. Have your children draw the potential movies out of a hat, teach about democracy and have them vote, or go to your local library and pick out a movie for free! Make this a family shared movie. Discuss it and, once again make the evening count.

4. Kids eat free! We see these signs all around town. Make eating out with the kids an experience to: expand their vocabulary, expand and enrich their food tastes, broaden their cultural experience through the fabulous food we have… and allow the adults to be pampered. In order to teach children how to behave in public, you must practice. Go somewhere new. Try a new item. You can do all this on a budget and get home in time for bath!

5. Pick a social event and teach compassion and community. Every week or month have a special night that is serving others. Take dinner to grandma or great-grandma, have your children make or help with serving the homeless community, offer to host a potluck in your neighborhood. Extend your community and you will indeed enrich your life and the lives of your children.

Here are just a few ideas to shift, rather than change, your schedule. I hope they will inspire others. These ideas that might add a new sparkle into your home life and create memories forever. Put one or all of the ideas on the calendar and make a new family tradition. As I always say, start today.

What If?!

2011-07-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

What if I had an idea that no one else thought was reasonable? What if I asked all the professionals to change their minds? What if I said, “Let’s throw away what you are doing and do something easier”? Do you think people would listen?

That’s exactly what happened when I developed the concept of: Safe, Kind and Clean as a teaching and discipline philosophy. It is so much more than “discipline” that I resisted using that term for years. People hear “discipline” and they think “punishment”. I was going to be more ‘enlightened’ so I called it Behavioral Education, and I still love that description. My first book was published under the title: Safe, Kind and Clean: Behavioral Education and it got lumped in, on the internet, with laundry products. No joke.

A friend of mine, and an Early Childhood Instructor at our community colleges introduced me to several of his colleagues and said, “This is Julie Jenkins Sathe. She wrote a book on discipline.”

Ta-da! That was it. No funny looks, no questioning smiles. As I shook hands, my squeamishness over the term discipline started to dissipate. Do you know why? They knew what my book was about! Voila!

Within a few months, I had re-titled and begun the branding process of Enlightened Discipline. This title does lump me in online with some spiritual books, but I’m much happier with that than the former confusion with janitorial services.

Enlightened Discipline is simple. It’s so easy, in fact, that I can’t believe someone else didn’t think of it before me. Of course, I do believe we all are thinking along similar lines and that’s why I hear all the time from workshop participants, “That’s what I was trying to say all along.”

The biggest challenge with Enlightened Discipline is not what you do; it’s what to leave out. One must entirely stop the “passive punishment”, usually in the form of Time Outs; that have been used - and have failed for years. So read on. Learn the simplicity of Enlightened Discipline. It is simple. But like so many things in life, simple doesn’t mean easy. Why? Because it requires the adults to change.

Don't Forget the WHY!

2011-07-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

Enlightened Discipline really began with one thought. Time Outs don’t work. That was the thought. And all of the actions, practices and descriptions became natural as soon as I refused to use Time Outs as an option.

The hardest thing to do is to teach early childhood teachers to stop the behavior of Time Outs as any option, ever. Once teachers stop putting kids on Time Out, then they really begin to teach. Sometimes adults need to be taught and re-taught until they can feel the difference.

It’s our job, as those who support each other to key in on staff members who need us to “take the torch” in a specific situation. You know the times. You’re all heated and upset and just cannot wrap your head around the best response to a child that has brought you to the end of your rope. We’ve all been there. So, for those nearby….lend a hand to that teacher. Take the torch and let the struggling teacher take a break, or at least a backseat.

If you know you’re losing control, finesse or your emotions, also know that you must call for someone else to intervene for you. We are responsible for asking for help when we need it.

But let me sum up the truth about Time Outs - Peace Time, Quiet Time, Think About it Time or any of the passive punishments that adults use: If YOU are controlling the child’s

1) space or 2) time….. No matter what you call it, it’s a Time Out.

Once teachers and parents have released the option of a Time Out, then and only then can you truly embrace Enlightened Discipline. If you hang on to Time Outs as a last resort, you are giving yourself a crack to crawl through and the teaching will stop.

Enlightened Discipline is teaching the WHY in all behavioral situations. Why? There are only 3 possible answers: Safe, Kind or Clean. Why. It’s the underlying truth to how Enlightened Discipline is different. Don’t forget THE WHY.

Enlightened Discipline for School Age and Transitioning to Teens

2011-04-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

I recently had the opportunity to take Enlightened Discipline to a new audience, the school age and jr. high teachers, leaders and mentors of the California School Age Consortium. Let's face it, these teachers are heroes. After kids go to school and struggle all day there, they go to their school age program (which of course they are really too cool to have to be in) and these teachers, assistants, leaders work with these kids until mom and dad get over to pick them up. What a chore. And what an opportunity!

Enlightened Discipline, using the same 3 core principles that we use with younger children is still just as valid and effective as ever. The teachers at CAL-SAC were thrilled to hear that Time Outs are not effective and usually they are a power trip for adults. It's true. We all know it. Helping these kids and emergent teens find their own answers is our real job and truthfully our only job.

It's nice that I was able to bridge the Enlightened Discipline philosophy into the "Teens! Change is Your Choice" book. After all, when you are teaching what you believe in....it's always the same thing.

Thanks to CAL-SAC and all of those who work with youth and teens.

Common Behavior Stumbling Blocks...for parents with young preschoolers

2010-10-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

Common Behavior Stumbling Blocks
For parents with young preschoolers

Bedtime is a pain?
Bath time is a mess?
Getting Dressed is pure hell?
Eating dinner is deadly?
Staying at the table for meals is impossible?
Playing fairly (sharing)…are you kidding?

These are typical times that create havoc for parents. If you are the fortunate parent who has a well behaved child and one who always cooperates, then pass on this article to someone you know who is struggling.

First things, first: You are not a bad parent. Even if you have thoughts of throwing your own tantrum….give yourself a little break. Relax, ease up. What I have found are the biggest issues for parents are one or more of the following:

Expecting to accomplish too much in one day
Expecting perfection from yourself or your child
Not being firm with your child (not mean, not angry) but clear and direct.
Feeling guilty for not giving in to your child’s desires
Resenting the other parent or absent partner who is not aligned with you

There are usually 3 areas of struggle that all conflicts go back to. They are:
Personal Space
Personal Property
Individual Attention

The ideal approach is to see the potential for distress before it has occurred and create a new pattern that will alleviate the appearance of a violation of space, property or attention. A child who feels “in control” of their own space will chose to use it properly. A child who feels forced to be in a space they don’t want will be in conflict (or clinging to you.) I will discuss SPACE in this article.

Set up personal space areas to encourage, enhance and excite your child’s independent use of space. Create small trays or buckets of a limited number of toys or playthings that go together. (3-5 small cars in one bucket, 2 dolls and clothing in another bucket…)
Your child should have no more than 3-5 options in their play space to choose from. Of course you may have more than that. Put them in the closet and rotate occassionally. Then the items are so much more fun because they are new! Your child should have access to items (not the ones in the closet, the other ones) and be physically capable of lifting and moving them, picking them up and so forth.

Set up personal space in common areas, too. For instance, create a crayon tray (with paper, stickers, markers, scissors and other writing needs) that keeps those items in their space and creates a place to be used. (This will lead to a great homework area in later years.)

Bath time and bedtime also can benefit from organized personal space. Choose a basket for your child’s shampoo, towel, wash cloth and limit to one or two water toys. This should be accessible to your child so that bath time issues are in their power. They can bring it out and set it near the tub ready for your help.

Dinner time or any meal can be easily encouraged with more child involvement. You don’t need to cook with your child to make this happen (but you can). Meals and snacks can be an event all into themselves. Parents tend to make the mechanics of life like bath, bed and meals efficient. Slow down. These are some of the best learning opportunities you will have and the most enjoyable times. Allow your child to spread peanut butter on a cracker, dip an apple slice in nutella or use a toothpick to skewer fruit pieces into a mini kabob. Using placemats will delineate space and be helpful for instilling personal responsibility.

These are just a few ideas for getting a better look at working through the transition times with young ones. Don’t forget to take pictures of the ordinary moments.

PARENTS WHO BLUFF

2010-04-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

Parents Who Bluff
Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of Enlightened Discipline©

You know who you are. And you and I both know how it is: You’re at your wit’s end and your child refuses to….get in the car. You ask, “Johnny can you get in the car?” Then you demand it, “Johnny. It’s time to go. Get in the car.” Then you make it worth his while, “If you get in the car, we can go to the store on the way home.” Then you make it a bargaining session, “If you don’t get in the car, we can’t have pizza tonight.” And finally, when all else fails you BLUFF.

“Okay. I’m leaving.” You stomp your feet to the car, hoping you didn’t take the plunge over the deep end….waiting….worrying….will he come? Please come. I’m out of ideas, now….

And what if he doesn’t?

Your four-year-old is on the sidewalk NOT in the car and he is completely in control of this win-lose scenario. OMG what will you do? Is he moving toward the street? How long do I rev the engine? Oh, God this isn’t safe!

Once a month I see this “technique” used when parents at my preschool, in utter frustration do not know what else to do. They are completely at the end of their rope and have stepped into the abyss of THE BLUFF. Why is it wrong? Because it is a bluff and you can’t (or certainly shouldn’t) leave your toddler or preschooler, even your school age child in most circumstances….alone to make your point and as a method to make them do something. But, deeper than that, it is a breach of the basic rules of Enlightened Discipline’s philosophy which herald back to: Safe, Kind and Clean…safety being always the first rule of parenting and ….the most basic element of kindness which is honesty.

So here it is. I’ll be blunt. Bluffing is lying.

It is leverage that cannot be used. Of course, it isn’t safe to leave a child alone, really alone. But more than that it is a breach of trust, of love, of comfort and of confidence in YOU. Even if your child hops into the car and you get away with it this time, eventually it will not even be successful. Eventually he will wonder, “Will she really leave?” If you keep walking down this parenting road and with this tactic, you will reduce yourself to the driving around the corner when your seven-year-old doesn’t comply… and fast forward your life to: locking the door on your 13-year-old that breaks curfew.

All of these bluffs may work to manipulate your child a few times but alas, they chip away at your basic principles and the trust and honesty you want to establish with your growing child.

Once a month at my child care center a parent will try this with their stubborn child, “Jenny it’s time to go home. Okay, you’ll have to stay at the school all night.” The parent will walk out the door and usually the child will begin to scream and wail. Of course, we intervene and explain that we aren’t open and no one is will be here. Therefore you must go home with your mom. Too bad for the parent, we had to bust their bluff. But we have an obligation to their child, too. One of honesty and safety.

Five Steps for Getting Children to Comply!

1. Stop and get eye to eye contact with your child. Find out where they are, mentally and emotionally. Find out what they are in the middle of doing and communicate that you see them and make sure they ‘get’ you.
“I see you are still finishing the book, but my watch tells me we must go now.”

2. Don’t ask a question unless you will allow their response. Is it really an option? “Do you want to go?” is begging for a response. It is not clear communication, if it was intended as a direction. So when you pull the rug out it may seem like a trick. “It is time to go” is much clearer.

3. Give your child a warning and time to prepare. As parents we forget that we have, in many cases, asked our child to make the most of a situation we have created. They may feel completely out of control. Then, they finally get their bearings and we are ready to leave. For instance, you are chatting after a social event. Your child has been bored and ready to go since you arrived. You stop to visit with friends for a few moments which seem like forever to your child. Then, your conversation is over and you are in a hurry to go to the next thing on your list. But, your child has just made acquaintance with a passing puppy; just found flowers to look at; or just realized they can run up and down the hallway….and now you want to leave! No fair! They just got comfortable. Give them a warning, and then follow through. “Okay, Roger I’ve finished my conversation pet the puppy three more times then we must go to the store so I have time to make dinner.”

4. Use all of your senses. Quit hollering at your child and go to them, look at them and touch them with kindness. Hold his hand; put your arms around her; give him a big hug and thank her for waiting for you. Then, walk hand-in-hand to the car.

5. Make it fun! “I’ll race you to the car.” “Let’s take off our shoes and walk barefoot the rest of the way.” Hold hands and try to walk backward. Make sure you choose something that is possible for your child. Try to avoid picking them up and carrying them. This again reinforces their lack of cooperation and may make them feel more out of control.

You will feel better, more honest and have more success if you quit bluffing, bribing and manipulating your child. Be with them. Look into their eyes and get what they are feeling. You won’t get these moments back. Turn off your cell phone and give your child your undivided attention. It’s worth it!

Julie Jenkins Sathe is building a reputation for her humorous and straight forward
inspirational workshops for both educators and parents. She has published
two books, Enlightened Discipline and Teens! Change is Your Choice.

BUT HE'S MY BAAABY!

2010-04-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

BUT HE’S MY BAAABY!

Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of
Enlightened Discipline©

Maybe it’s your first child and you really haven’t figured out the next few steps from toddler to prekindergarten. Maybe it’s your last baby and you really want to relish this “toddler” time because you are keenly aware how fast childhood passes. Or maybe you have simply lost track of the development and abilities your child has developed…..who knows all the underlying reasons?

You may not see it, but as you pick up your four-year-old child from the child care center where he has: recited the alphabet, weighed and measured in science, negotiated his playthings with his peers without conflict, and has begun to write parts of his name (albeit in mirrored writing), you greet him at the door with his pacifier, his binky or his sippy cup. Huh?

Or maybe your child has successfully used the toilet all day in child care and when you arrive to transport her home, you switch her from underwear to diapers.

Or maybe this is your scenario…you have company over for dinner. Your preschool child plays dress-up in the play room with their child. The kids have spent hours making up names, trying on hats and scarves, putting on beads and baubles…. and when they wind down, getting tired your child is ready for her bottle. Her bottle? Reeeeally?!

Every so often I hear someone refer to their 7 year old as, “Baby Johnny”; or their 4 year old as “the baby”. (Not to be confused with “my baby” which any mother might use even when describing the youngest of her four children who are now approaching middle age.) But the reference I mean is: “the baby”, (who is now approaching 1st grade or beyond). It’s as if you have freeze-framed your child. What is up with that?

So, you’re feeling a little beat-up by this article. I’m pushing your buttons and maybe I haven’t exactly described YOU but you can see a little bit of your behaviors. So, what am I getting at?

We, as parents have to determine what ‘developmental’ needs our child has and which habits, limits and crutches we are promoting far beyond necessity. Even though childhood is lovely and sweet, even though we are mature enough to know it is the best of times….we must allow and encourage our children to mature from one step to the next. We need to allow our toddler to walk because SHE CAN! We must encourage our three year old to hold and use utensils, because that is the next step. We must trust that our children can HOLD IT to the next toilet or communicate their needs well enough that the car can be stopped. We must allow them; encourage them to … grow up.

It’s true. If you can’t see it, if you are too close, if you have blinders on….listen up to your friends, your neighbors and watch your children’s peers. Do they have bottles? Are they sucking on a binky? Not all comparisons are fair because all children develop at their own personal rate, but there is a range of development that your child should be close to. But most importantly, you as a parent should never be inhibiting that growth. If you are, then YOU may be the problem.

One of the big ones I have encountered is parents who feel their child simply isn’t ready to toilet independently, to be potty trained. (Not full time. Not a night time. Not during church. Blah, blah, blah….) You work, you cook dinner, do laundry, pay bills, you have a two page list of all the things that you don’t have time enough to do. The risk of putting your two-year-old, three-year-old or four-year-old in underwear is just is too big of a risl FOR YOU.

As parents, this will not be the first time that you will need to give your full time and attention to your child and set your needs, plans and desires aside. But it’s just momentarily. Keeping your child in a diaper so that you can avoid a wet seat in the car, or not have to change the sheets in their bed is not in your child’s greatest interest. In this article, I won’t get derailed into the conversation of potty training vs. independent toileting and how to successfully reach the latter, because if you are the parent who is delaying your child’s underwear-wearing progression for your own reasons, put yourself on notice, it is more than toileting!

Usually parents who have found themselves in one of these scenarios mean no harm to their child. Read that again. I know you mean no harm to your child. In fact, most parents are usually acting out of love and the desire to hold on to the sweetness of the magical years of childhood. But, I promise you that your child will unfold much more appropriately make better friendships and feel better about the relationship with you if you can follow his or her lead to the next natural step of growth and development. Change is hard. But… not for kids, for us adults. Kids change and adapt at a rapid pace, if left to their own devices. We are the ones who resent change, are fearful of failing and sometimes present that to our children until they indeed begin to carry our fears and reluctance and make them their own. Most children are naturally fearless. That’s why we need to teach and protect them before they know all the reasons why.

So do your best. Observe and listen to your friends. Ask the advice of your child care professional or pediatrician. “Is it okay for my 4 year old to have a bottle at night? Is it unusual for my preschooler to want his binky at home?” You want to support your child’s growth. You want to encourage their personal development. You want to be your child’s escort into their next precious step of life. Enjoy all of the steps. Don’t get stuck in one. Have fun!

Julie Jenkins Sathe is building a reputation for her humorous and straight forward
inspirational workshops for both educators and parents. She has published
two books, Enlightened Discipline and Teens! Change is Your Choice.

How are YOU Modeling Eating for Your Child? Ready to eat your own words??

2010-03-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

HOW ARE YOU MODELING EATING
FOR YOUR CHILD?
Are you ready to eat your own words?

As the next generation of teenagers cross the threshold into adulthood I begin to wonder….and when I wonder, I write.

Our diets have changed so completely from when even I was growing up. I was speaking to my 23 year old about “fast food” when I was a child. There really wasn’t any, not like today. You still had to go into the hamburger restaurant to order To Go, but there was no drive through for many years. And now, we drive through for sodas, coffee, banking prescriptions and more. This is a convenience but at what cost to our fitness and longterm health? If you are one of the young adults who are now having children, planning on having children or preparing to give birth you must look at your eating habits before you start parenting. If you have already begun to parent, then it’s time to get a rude awakening in the best interest of your child.

Young girls and boys in today’s college age generation have, unfortunately been raised on fast food, deep fried foods, sodas and convenience meals. These are loaded with a lot of calories that have very little nutritional value. So…before you begin parenting your toddler or preschool child you must begin to eat healthy and learn to like the foods you may have avoided for years. What you do is what your child will do. Even if you say, “eat your spinach” if you are not eating it….what message are you giving? Either you are a hypocrite or you’re just plain mean. Neither is what you want.

Hints for you to start NOW!
1. Fresh vegetables and fruits. Start here.
2. Potatoes, pasta, yams in place of crusts and breads.
3. Use meats without pre-breading, preferably fresh that you cook.
4. Throw out the grease and use olive oil or spray.
5. Avoid adding salt. Really!!!!!! Salt is already in everything. Lay off!
6. Prepackaged fruit snacks and granola bars are candy and candy. Go for real fruit.
7. Sit at the table. Start now. You will be grateful for this habit when your child no longer finds you interesting company. Look into her eyes, listen to his stories. This is what they mean by quality time.
8. Baby bottles should never have soda in them. Never. Ever-ever. Your infant and toddler need water and ONLY diluted, real fruit juice.

…and my next article will be the down-side of: SIPPY CUPS! Get ready!

The Hidden Guilt and Shame of Parents

2010-02-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

The Hidden Guilt and Shame of Parents
By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of Enlightened Discipline ©

No, I’m not talking about the mass murderer’s mom or the serial killer’s dad, I’m talking about all of the normal parents with normal children whose child occasionally does something to another person (usually another child) and we, the parents feel so BAD. Awful, horrible, ashamed, guilty, wretched, distraught……….

….Your child has hit someone, they’ve scratched, spit, yelled, and screamed, they've lied, they knocked over the nice, little girl in the sandbox, they kicked the little toddler who took their favorite shovel……and YOU, the parent feel horrible.

The worst example I’ve seen in my 30 years in the early childhood field is parents of (drum roll, here) the dreaded....BITER. I’m not sure who is more emotional, the parents of the child who was bitten, or the parents of the BITER! (Certainly most parents are way more emotional than either of the children).

So, of course if you are the parent of a child who is hurt in any way it is easy to become overly emotional and want immediate revenge and retaliation to whomever has harmed your little one. But, all that being said it is not and never will be appropriate for a parent to confront a child (or the parent of the child) over childlike behavior. The child who has hurt your young one should be treated as unemotionally as possible. You may not be able to do it. You are simply too emotional. The teacher or playground aide or parent of that child must be the one to intervene. It is unlikely that you, the parent of the injured toddler will be able to remain as detached as is appropriate.

Even the parent of the child who has caused harm, must make sure they separate their own emotions from the way they respond to their child’s actions. As a parent, you are to a degree responsible for the behavior, lessons and manners of your child; but as more time passes you must begin to separate from him/her. We hear a lot about young children needing to learn to separate from their parents, but indeed the reverse is also true. Parents must learn to separate themselves, emotionally from the behavior of their children. It continues to be your role as parent to teach and re-teach what you expect and depend on your child to DO or NOT to do. But your job as a person is to separate what your child does from your own actions and teach without guilt, shame or emotion.

If, as parents we remain too emotionally involved in our own child’s behavior it is difficult to keep a perspective that supports us to be good teachers of our children. Instead, in a state of emotion, we are likely to walk a dangerous road of influencing them with our own strong emotions of guilt, shame and embarrassment. As parents, we must do our best to discipline without strong emotions. Strong emotions mixed with discipline lead to actions that are either too severe or too passive. Parents may go over the top with their own humiliation and resort to discipline that piles up all the frustration they have ever felt and exert that punishment now, in this moment. Or, alternatively, parents may feel like such a personal failure that they don’t hold their child accountable for their own behavior.

Balance is key. Your child is responsible for their own behavior, good or bad. They must know what it is, see the consequences and do what is developmentally appropriate to correct, heal or help the one they hurt. Creating an avenue for success for the offender and healing for the victim is the best way to move through this type of experience to the other side and move on. Teaching these skills without emotion is the way you can be the best parent for your child.

PARENTING at a CROSSROADS?? START BY .... STOPPING

2010-02-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

PARENTING at a CROSSROADS?
START BY …….. STOPPING
By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of Enlightened Discipline ©

Yes, heard me. So many times, as parents, we get stuck in: what can I do? What methods can I learn? What techniques can I employ? I want to begin this article by beckoning to parents who want to improve the results of their young child’s behavior by STOPPING some of their own behaviors.
(Don’t ya’ just hate that!)

STOP….
Asking a question, when it’s not really a request…….

Asking a child to do something when you really are not ASKING at all is a real problem for you both and a habit worth breaking. I hear this style of speech from frustrated parents all the time. Parents don’t need to sound mean, belittling or even demanding when they need a specific response. They just need to make clear statements.

For instance, “I need you to put your toys away before we watch the video you picked out. Not later, right now.”

“In five minutes it will be time to pick up for dinner. I’ll remind you one more time.”

These statements are much clearer and more honest than, “Can you pick up the toys, please?”

STOP….
Doing it for them…..

Logical and Natural Consequences are THE WAY to teach children. In your past you may have known parents (perhaps your own) that punished with an action that was completely unrelated to the offense. “No sweets for a week because you didn’t clean your room.” (Huh?)

The more connected you make the reaction to the offense, the better learning opportunity you have created. For instance, “You spilled juice all over the floor. You will need to clean that juice up, Johnny. Here are the rags. I will spray the cleanser, it’s not safe for you to use. But you spilled it. You must clean it up.” (Depending on the child’s age, of course.)

“Oh Johnny, it is still sticky from the juice. You’ll need to do the floor one more time. Yes, I know it’s hard work. That’s why Mom and Dad have a rule that you only drink juice at the table. Try to remember it so you don’t have to clean up these messes.”

The biggest struggle many parents have is around food. Please find a way in your household to let little Suzie or Johnny serve their own food at meal times. Make up a friendly term like “try-it-taste” so that all foods gets a shot and yet no one is forced to choke down tastes and textures that make them sick. But allow your child to learn the judgment of their own food, with your assistance and how to operate spoons, ladles and salad tongs. Let them learn by always knowing they can have seconds, but too much is a waste. Sometimes children who repeatedly overfill their plate (of course, were you watching?) can save that for the next meal or snack. But follow through with it, if you say it.

In any case, keep the consequences as directly related to the offense as possible. And for heavens sake, let your child struggle over the work a little. Don’t do it for him!

STOP….
Being stuck in your own right-ness!

So, you think Suzie broke it, but ….Bobby did it. Admit that you were wrong. “Oh, wow. I got very upset at Suzie. I apologize Suzie. I was making you clean up the mess that wasn’t your responsibility.” (You will may make this a great opportunity for Suzie to speak up for herself, if she didn’t.) Seeing that an adult can show a child that they have made a mistake, admit they were wrong and move on will help children trust that they can do the same.

(I always think, what a better spouse they will be. What a better employee they will be…)

STOP….
Talking to your children like dogs (and your dogs like precious children.)

How many times have you heard (or said), “Get down.” “Stop it.” “Knock it off.” “Quit it.”
Of course it gets worse as kids get older. “Shush up.” “Shut up.” “Shut it.” And of course, even worse. We won’t even go there!

DOG TALK is telling children what NOT to do. (Not to mention saying it in a very belittling and intimidating way.) Your tone says, “You are nothing”, “I don’t have time for you” and “You don’t matter”. Ouch!

An Enlightened Parent will tell children what TO do and WHY. “Susie, your singing is too loud right now, the baby is sleeping. Wait until later.” “Johnny, it is never safe to walk on the couch. Not even at Grandma’s house. Put your feet on the floor.”

STOP….
Sneaking up the rules on kids without giving fair expectations.

Adults tend to think children just innately know rules and the reasons why. They don’t. It’s our job to teach them, prepare them. We all are more successful if we are prepared.

“In one half hour it will be bed time. Turn down the music and read for awhile so you are more ready to sleep.”

“When I’m done with the dishes we will put our coats on and go to the store. Be ready to sit in the car seat.”

“As soon as I’m done with my shower we can read a book before bedtime. Put your pajamas on so you are ready, too.”

Giving your kids a little heads-up will go far to give them a “clock” to run with. They may not know how to actually tell time, but they will mentally prepare for change. (Some of us do better with change than others.)You know your schedule but your children don’t. Give them the advantage. Set them up for successful cooperation. The same thing goes for leaving a fun event.

“Three more turns down the slide, and then we have to leave the park. I’ll count with you. One….Two….Three! Let’s Go!!” (Make it fun, not sad.)

“As soon as the movie is over, we have to leave Lindsey’s house. Finish your hot chocolate, too. Then off we go!”

Start by stopping yourself from these habits. Start by creating a new positive way of explaining what you want for your child and why it benefits you all. Start by stopping the complaining, the whining and the tantrums by setting your child up for success, preparation and a mental clock of your plans. Start by giving yourself time to be wrong and be okay with correcting your mistakes. Start by making this role as parent filled with joy and love. Stop the stress and start having fun!

Creating Your Own Traditions ~ Now That You are the Parent!

2009-12-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

Creating Your Own Christmas Traditions:
Now That You Are The Parent!

By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of Enlightened Discipline ©

I recently had the opportunity to be in the audience for the filming of a TV Show. I was there for a show on holiday problems. After listening to several parents who were on the show, I realized many times we feel trapped in our traditions and then circumstances arise that cause our trappings to fall down on top of us.

For instance, one such couple was in a bit of resentment that their young children were so grateful to Santa Claus for Christmas gifts and not very aware or appreciative since these gifts come from Santa. Another mother was truly unraveling because this year her finances won’t allow her to buy her child at the level and scope she had in Christmases past.

A third child wanted to celebrate Hanukkah. Not because she had changed faith, but because she thought she’d get eight days of gifts.

Well… first things first.

Holidays are always richer if they are about the experience, the time, the environment, the moment. If you, as adults look back into your childhood you will not really remember many gifts. You will remember the feeling of Christmas or Hanukkah that you liked or alternatively you did not like. We, as a nation have indeed become quite focused on the material stuff. But this is a different article….

As you are starting your families, while your children are young make a conscious decision how you and your partner will celebrate with gift-giving, with the myth of Santa Claus and so forth.

My first piece of advice comes from my upbringing. My parents were middle class. They were probably not middle class by today’s standards because they never worried about bills. They never bought on credit and they never bought brand name stuff. So, honestly they felt middle class without acting as if they were upper class. Anyway, as children all four of us got two things from Santa. We got a filled stocking with trinkets, candy, fruit and inexpensive needs like underwear and socks, toothbrushes and combs. Santa filled our stockings with what Mom and Dad would need to buy later, anyway. Then, right beneath each stocking was one gift from Santa. Did you hear that? One gift. The Santa Gift.

We always hoped it would be what we wanted. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t. Did you hear that? We didn’t always get what we wanted! I know I believed it was what Santa wanted me to have. But the really big, big, big gifts might come from my parents, if there were any. Then my parents could remind me of the cost. They could teach me how to care for my possessions. When I reached the age of eight or nine, I began to recognize it was truly not from Santa of course we all held the magic, the illusion of Santa for many years.

Whether by intention or accident, my parents who had been children of the depression knew how to imposter the “big guy” in a healthy way. My parents gave us all of the other wrapped presents under the tree. Santa, by the way, never wrapped presents. (No worries about wrapping paper hints!)

As a parent, myself I had one truly hard financial Christmas. Not hard, but impossible year. I am blessed that it was only one. That year, in the aftermath of financial crisis, bankruptcy and losing my home even the Santa Gift was meager. My family stepped up and bought a few inexpensive gifts for me to give to my two kids. These were the only gifts my two children received. I must tell you this because it is important. Although my children, ages 3 and 6 had gifts under the tree….I felt like a fraud that I had not chosen them. I had not done anything for them. I smiled through my tears and life moved ahead. I always remember that year. So do my kids, though vaguely. The year before, by contrast Santa had planted a swing set in the back yard. On the hard year, they both got a big, cuddly stuffed animal as their “Santa gift”. But they both lived through it. And I learned a very big lesson.

So, to all those parents who wonder if their childhood will be crushed if your kids don’t get a Wii…….oh, come on! I think of all of the Hanukkah families who hid from the Nazi’s in Germany daring to light their candles and make gifts from those items in their small living space, fearing for their lives but making a holiday!

So, the whole point of this article is to help parents of babies and young children truly look at their holiday traditions. We don’t have to follow the course that someone else laid out, or even our own course. The magical thinking of Santa Claus is short-lived in the life of a child. Give them the magic without giving all the teaching moments of money, gratitude and giving away from your children.

Here is a note for grandparents. Unless you are in the sole role of parent, you are not the parent. Please allow your adult children to be the Santa. Please let them come from their means to provide for Christmas. There are many of the younger generation adults want to live at the economic level of their parents. Well, too bad. You haven’t got there, yet. That’s why you have no credit or it’s ruined. You need to earn those points, those dollars and that credit rating. It takes years. You are not your parents. Grandparents, this might be your fault. You must allow your children to parent. Quit thinking you are the only one who can.

DO’S AND DON’T’S

Do:
Keep the element of surprise.
It is a huge part of Christmas. Never open before Christmas morning. Never give in and give gifts early. Teach your children that peeking at gifts ruins their surprise. It’s a good lesson. They will feel it. Chances are they won’t like it and will never do it more than once.

Don’t:
Buy everything on the list. Use good sense and judgment for what your child wants and what is good for them.

Do:
Savor it.
We open gifts one at a time. Watch each other, thank one another, ooh and ahh at the gifts. Delay gratification while teaching good manners and gratitude. Tidy as you go to slow the process down, and keep the house from being wrecked.

Don’t:
Use Christmas or Holiday gifts as leverage or punishment. Keep some things sacred. These are off limits. Be more creative than that.

Do:
Slow down. Take a moment. Hold the surprise. Live and gift well within your means.

Stay safe. Love each other. Balance your checkbook and create a holiday practice that suits your life. Remember that this is merely one day. Gifts aren’t love, experiences are.

Oh, and Happy Holidays.

They say, "Yes" and you say, "No"

2009-06-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

They say, “Yes” and you say, “No”
Why is Parenting always a Conflict?
By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of Enlightened Discipline ©

I have many friends who come to me and say, “Julie, help me with this.” “How do I handle that?” Each time it seems so clear to me and they, despite being well educated, bright people seem at a loss….or more likely at the end of their rope.

It doesn’t appear to be the BIG things that confuse them; it is parenting the little things over and over and over again.

For instance, a friend of mine was at a loss because her 4-year-old daughter wanted to eat Chinese food that had been left in the car in the hot sun and was on its way to the garbage can. The child, I will call Emily continued to whine and moan and plead with her mom. Mom was at a loss and felt compelled to make her child quit whining.

She asked me to intervene. I obliged. “Emily, that food is not safe. If you eat it, it will probably make you sick. Either you can throw it away or I can. Do you want to throw it in the trash?”

It’s really that simple. Remember that Enlightened Discipline always heralds back to the three basics: Safe, Kind and Clean. In this case, the food is not safe, period.

What is the next step with unsafe food? Certainly not arguing about it. Parents are sometimes so absorbed in the argument that they fail to move the disagreement with action. The action should include the child.

Kids love being in control. Give them some control and some limited choice. “Do you want to throw it in the trash, or shall I?” Now you have asked Emily to participate instead of stand by without involvement, or feel helpless and victimized. You have also taken away the choice that she was not capable of making because she is a child. Set your child up for success. The choice to eat the food is not available. “Which garbage can shall we put it in, this one or that one?” “Who should throw it away, me or you?” These are choices that are appropriate for your 4-year old. “The metal garbage can? Okay. Thank you.”

The why behind your “no” is the teaching part of Enlightened Discipline.
As parents and teachers if we only say “no” and never say “why”….what have we taught our children?

We have taught them that: that only we are smart, that only we have the answers, they don’t, and they must rely on us. This might be the way a parent feels, but not how enlightened parents want to raise their children. We want children to grow up and use good judgment, know what is healthy, avoid danger, make wise decisions, take care of themselves and respect others. How can they learn this when we do it for them and don’t tell them why? Well, most kids will eventually learn the whys. But it’s a bit like a guessing game. Or more apropos, a process of elimination: they see what we do time and again and make conclusions based on silent information.

Now, clearly this could backfire. How many times have I heard, “do what I say, not what I do”? If parents are saying little that is verbal teaching and children are watching all the decisions, bad and good that their parents make, they may simply get it wrong.

So keep it simple. Talk and teach. When you are saying no, which of the three principles does it break; safe, kind or clean? Tell your child in one clear statement. “Nope, that’s not kind.” Or, “we can’t do that, it isn’t safe.” It doesn’t require much explanation beyond that to teach and be very effective. No negotiation and certainly no debate is needed. In Emily’s case it was easy to teach that old food left in a hot car might make her sick and that is why it isn’t safe.

So, let’s break it down to easy to remember steps:
1. Talk and teach using Safe, Kind and Clean principles.
2. Take action.
3. Give child a role in the action.
4. Provide two choices within the boundaries that you create.
5. Congratulate or thank your child on their decision and their action.

It’s helpful to watch other parents and their children. When we are less attached to the emotions, it is almost always easier. If we watch others and play it out in our head how we would handle it our own your child, we will begin to practice new techniques and build creative solutions that can apply with our own kids.

Happy parenting!

Laugh, Play & Have Fun with Your Child ...On The Cheap!

2009-05-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

by Julie Jenkins Sathe

Okay, yeah…yeah…we all have heard the news, the budget, the economy, we are balancing our checkbooks and buying groceries and it feels like spinning plates in the air. Okay, so things were feeling a bit more flush a few years ago….but these are the years of childhood that your little ones have. Don’t let them go because you are stressed over STUFF. Kids don’t want stuff; they want to do what we all should do more of: living in the moment, laughing at what is silly, exploring the world right in front of us.

With preschool kids and toddlers, this is so easy and you have everything you need right where you are. Nothing to buy, no lessons to sign up for….just a slight adjustment to you and your environment.

1st: Start by putting on your comfy clothes and deciding to have fun.

2nd: Stop bragging about how much knowledge or data or skills your child has developed and just let them enjoy and explore their life, their world.

3rd: Look around your kitchen, backyard and look back into your own childhood. There are probably some clues you will glean.

4th: Quit trying to make a product. Make something, do something just for the sake of the action. Nothing to keep, nothing to perfect, no end result to accomplish. This one shift in your behavior alone will remove the adult pressure that we adults sometimes place on our child’s actions.

Ideas, ideas, ideas

*One bowl, rice and a flour scooper.
From your kitchen drawers, pull out these items. Just sit your preschooler or toddler in a chair and lay out the items. You don’t have to say a thing. In fact, it’s more fun…it’s like a surprise! Your little one will begin in a flurry, or slow and steady depending upon their personality. Stay nearby to see if your child requires some parameters, i.e. “try to pour the rice into the bowl, not on the floor, Johnny”.

* Big bowl, water, liquid soap and a whisk.
Who needs directions? Just sit the child on the floor, table or on the porch and watch ‘em GO!

* One fresh orange, an old fashioned manual juicer and shallow bowl.
You may have to get this started, but a preschool child will revel in making their own real orange juice while developing some curiously new skills and understanding of fruit.

* Two, liquid measuring cups, water and a sponge.
Fill one of the measuring cups (you can substitute for an ordinary creamer) with water. Sit your child at the table with the cups and water and a sponge or rag. Eventually the sponge will be filled and the cups will be empty. Great attention builder and develops very good eye-hand coordination skills. If you want, use a tray with a lip around the edge to collect spills or place all on a folded bath towel.

* Boxes, tubes and cans
Before you recycle, fill up the kitchen table or floor with some recyclables for building and creating. Sit on the floor with your child, perhaps you can provide some engineering assistance.

* Go for a walk
Take a paper sack for your walk with your child. Along the way create a game of collecting things. Maybe you want to start with a theme: leaves, shells, feathers, flowers or even litter. You can make a teaching opportunity out of carefully watching for dangers, washing hands and so forth. When you return home your child’s treasures can be displayed or glued onto a piece of cardboard. Take a photo of your collection and add a caption “Jenny’s Tuesday Trash Hunt” or “Matthews Feathered Friends”. Take a photo and release the collection whenever you feel done.

* Turn off the TV and pack a picnic.

Lay a cloth on the front or back lawn and have a picnic at home. If the weather is gloomy, do it inside! Make eating a fun, memorable time. Don’t let those calories get lost in cartoons or movies.

* Color.

* Paint with water on the sidewalk.

* Play with shaving cream on a Formica counter, tile table or kitchen tray.

* Scoop, pour, stir, whisk…..

Put away the bills, turn off the tube, shut down the computer. Smile, laugh, hold hands and sing songs. These years will fly by, create some memories that you and your child will never forget.

"DISCIPLINE vs. PUNISHMENT"

2009-05-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

“Discipline vs. Punishment”
Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of “ENLIGHTENED DISCIPLINE”

I walked into the room and heard a teacher say, “So, I know you don’t believe in discipline, so what do you do when…..”

The rest of the sentence was lost to me. We don’t discipline? I don’t discipline? What?

It occurred to me that this is not really a question of practice, but a question of semantics. I must admit that I even hesitate to use the word discipline when speaking about my book. Originally the title was, “Safe, Kind & Clean: Behavioral Education”. Behavioral Education was a phrase that I liked, a phrase that I coined and used for the past 20-something years. I spent hours teaching my preschool staff to use it. I spent hours enrolling parents in our program and used that to clearly underline the unique difference between our child care center and so many others. But, people are creatures of habit and it takes a long time to change people’s perceptions. When I wrote “Safe, Kind & Clean” I thought that would be a turning point to the readers hearing it and getting it. Then, I realized when folks asked about my book, I struggled to pitch the concept to them while shaking their hand.

You know how it is. Someone shakes your hand and asks what you do for a living. You have a two second window to cordially respond, “I’m a contractor or I’m a fourth grade teacher.” Similarly when people shake my hand and say, what is your book about? They want a response like “Quantum Physics or Remodeling the Farmhouse”. But when people asked about my book my response was unclear, too lengthy and not easy to introduce because I wanted to convince the listener of this new concept of Behavioral Education. What I heard was the rambling of my voice that never really answered their question, took too long and left me feeling less competent than I know myself to be.

A year or so later, I was at the wedding of a friend and colleague. He, one of the two grooms, introduced me to a table of his colleagues. They all worked for the Department of Education and would certainly be people I would want to know. My friend Norman said, “This is Julie Jenkins Sathe. She has written a wonderful book on DISCIPLINE.”

Internally I felt the swell of objection begin to rise within me. But externally, I saw comprehension, respect and poof…..I was shaking hands and done with the awkward introduction. Wow. This was a Zen moment. Go with the flow. Be here now. All of those lines I know began to fill my mind.

It didn’t take long for me to recognize that others must understand and label your ideas into something familiar before they can give them their due individuation. Even my friend, Norman at his wedding was one of the grooms. His partner, a man was the other groom. Someday this will not be rare. Today it still is. But it is still a wedding. They are still grooms. We understand these roles and identify with the terminology. Then, we can modify the uniqueness of the situation as is required.

Needless to say, it was time to rename the book. So, I did. The new name came very easily for me, “Enlightened Discipline: Safe, Kind & Clean Philosophy and Techniques". Those couple of zen moments led me to the title, itself a bit zen.

So, I will clearly state that we do discipline children in our care at my preschool, Caring Connection Children's Center. We use Enlightened Discipline. I state with confidence that my book is a discipline book, teaching adults a new set of techniques and a new philosophy of discipline. The title? "Enlightened Discipline: Safe, Kind & Clean".

Staff meetings continue at my preschool as we teach incoming teachers the nuances of Enlightened Discipline. Parents continue to enroll their children and I have given myself permission to explain to people in the language that they understand the uniqueness of our discipline philosophy. I will say, “Our discipline philosophy is so unique, I like to call it Behavioral Education, as we teach children a way to behave that serves themselves and others.”

Perhaps the reason that the word discipline bothered me so much is that people tend to mix and match discipline with the word punishment. Enlightened Discipline will not ever be confused with punishment. There are consequences and there is punishment. Allow me to share my definitions: Punishment is imposed by someone else, someone in a position of power, authority or rank.

Consequences occur. Consequences are the responses that the universe, laws of science and laws of society and humanness provide without provocation. When you throw something, it will come down. How successful you are and you feel is determined on where and when you throw something. If you speak unkind words, you may have an unfavorable response from the person whose feelings have been hurt. If you cause another person harm or property is damaged the harm or damage must be repaired or remain damaged.

In the Enlightened Discipline environment, the teacher or parent is able to use the consequences to teach the child how he/she can better work this life to avoid unfavorable results. Also, they can teach the child how being a participant in the outcome they will feel a sense of personal success. Ahhhhh! That’s the enlightened part.

15 Tips for Creating Success for Your Preschool Child

2009-05-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

15 Tips for Creating Success
for your Preschool Child
By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of “ENLIGHTENED DISCIPLINE”
www.safekindandclean.com

Begin your child’s day with a healthy breakfast. Avoid quick foods with a high sugar content. Balance carbohydrates with protein by adding peanut butter to a graham cracker or a banana. Stay away from fast food. Really.
Begin your day and your child’s day fresh. Avoid “left over” arguments from yesterday. Let it go! This is old news and not developmentally appropriate for you to expect your child to even remember yesterday’s news. In addition, you have more to concentrate on than yesterday’s bad news. Move on.
Be sure your child is dressed comfortably. Ensure that he/she is wearing clothing that focuses less on fashion and more on weather. This means dress him/her in layers with comfort in mind and freedom to be expressive within his/her day.
Do yourself and the preschool a favor and label your child’s clothing. Even after labeling, don’t send anything to preschool that you love. It’s too great a risk. These clothes are your child’s equivalent to ‘work clothes’.
Be happy and excited with your child about their school, friends and teachers. It's okay that they are happy to go to school and like the other people there. Parents sometimes feel that they must seem concerned, even worried so their child senses their loss and therefore their love. Phooey! Children want you to be happy; then they will be happy! So why are earth wouldn’t you find happiness in the joy and experiences of their life?
Be sure to take a few moments to visit your child’s classroom or teacher. This is a very personal time and an intimate inter-relationship. Don’t fall into the trap of not knowing who your child is connecting with and then waiting for something to go wrong before you try to make a connection.
Volunteer or visit in the classroom or during extra curricular events. Be interested in what your preschooler is trying to share with you. As parents, you are busy and preoccupied with your own job and household routines. Put them away for a few moments. Turn off your cell phone. Quit text messaging. When you are at preschool and with your child before and afterward, be interested in what you preschooler has to share…a new song, a never-ending story….be there. You will enrich both of your lives.
Ask about the ways that you can add to the preschool program from home: an activity to expand at home or something for your child to bring related to the theme or season. Maybe you can save plastic water bottles for a craft or bring in recycled office envelopes for a new dramatic play office area. It takes so little to add a lot.
Take time to read the preschool’s lesson plan so that you can better understand what your child is trying to share with you. They haven't the vocabulary of an adult, so use the adult's plan to help you piece it together.
Be a part of whatever is available to you at school for parents. Perhaps there are parent groups, newsletter photos, articles, work parties or fundraisers. Take photos and send them to the school.
At home, turn of the TV and just visit each evening before bedtime with your child. Not for hours, just 5-15 minutes. You can do that.
Turn off the car radio and cell phone on the way home and to school. Sing with your child; listen to their stories, plans, excitement. This time will be gone so quickly.
Be sure your child is well-bathed, combed with clean teeth and comfortable for a good night’s sleep. This will follow them through their lifetime as the precious, safe time. It will also create for them a vision for how to parent their own children.
Take care of yourself. Make sure you have a few moments each night and every morning to yourself. Make sure your child is safe. Maybe you must wake up early, but make the time. It is well worth it for your peace of mind. Teach your child to understand you require alone time for a hot bath, a warm meal or a good read. Close the door and remember who you are. A better YOU makes a better parent.
Create boundaries with your child. Permissive or inconsistent parenting is very confusing to a child. Make some simple rules and insist they are followed: Bedtime, bath time, how we eat, what words are used, etc. Read more in Enlightened Discipline (c) creating your personal foundational beliefs.

PARENTING....IT'S A BALANCING ACT

2009-05-05T11:49:00.001-07:00

PARENTING …. THE BALANCING ACT

It’s every parent’s first job, to strike a balance between home, work, children, personal time and recreation. It is not only important, but striking a balance is the most self-less thing a parent can do. Well rounded parents who are actively involved in more than doing for others (yeah….all you mother-martyrs, I’m talking to you!) are just better.

Parents who find time to play, to rest, to be with other adults are better at being parents when they are parenting. Adults who make the time to go and spend time with other adults, those that they actually like (not at a PTA board meeting) are going to be better parents. So have I made my point? Parents, whether married or single, must find time to rest, play, be a grown up, continue growing themselves and also parent their children. This is the balance that will make parents the best that they can be.

Sometimes parenting and managing a household, whether there is outside employment or not can be overwhelming. The following article will give some simple ways to trick yourself into starting new habits and breaking old ones.

Get a kitchen timer.
While you are at home, allow one hour for the chores that are likely to consume you like housecleaning, bill paying that can consume you. Set the timer and make yourself stop and change to another activity. This will help reduce your stress level and ensure you aren’t spending unnecessary time dawdling or getting lost in the details of a task.

Get a book.
Turn off the t.v. and read. It is important that your mind has the opportunity to upgrade, and rest at the same time. Find some enjoyable reading material, a novel or personal growth reading…..(hear this as NOT a work related topic). The wonderful side benefit of this is that you are modeling great habits for your children, toddlers to teens will benefit from the TV or computer going mute and watching a parent read, in quiet.

Move.
Whether you work and parent…or are a stay at home parent, you must make time to move your body, preferably in the fresh air. Stretch, dance, walk, stroll, bicycle….take the children, push the stroller, walk the dog or fly a kite. Dance to 3 songs on the radio, rake leaves, play basketball, play hopscotch, go on a nature walk and pick up leaves, rocks, pine cones or pick up trash. Find a way to move and do it regularly. If you find yourself being resistant here is an idea: write a list of ideas of simple movement like the ones above. Ask your child or a friend for their ideas if you can not think of any others. Write all of them on a piece of paper and cut each one into small strips (or use a small note paper for each). Fold them and drop into a jar or can. Set your timer for the one hour (or half hour to begin with, start with; 15 minutes. Just start.) Draw one of the movement ideas out of the jar and DO IT! Make a game with yourself and your children. Of course, never leave young children alone. If you can include them, even better, Be aware that some parents may find this a great time to be alone. If you have the support of another adult, take this time to be away from the kids if you know it will do you good.

Eat well.
Mom was right. You are what you eat. But mom’s food may be the ones that you need to avoid. Make small changes to your diet and you children’s menu plan. Cut out fast foods, eliminate sodas and sugary drinks. Replace with water. Splash in lemon slices, mint sprigs and so forth. Go to the farmer’s market in your neighborhood. Get fresh fruits and vegetables. If you just start with these changes, it will significantly change your health and your children’s nutritional intake.

Environment matters.
Where you live makes you feel a particular way. If it is cluttered and dirty, it feels cramped and stifling. If it is cozy and lived-in, it feels good and well, like home. A parent can be overly focused on housecleaning to the point of stressing out the children in an effort to be perfect at all times. On the opposite end of the spectrum, a house that is not fresh, smells of smoke or other household odors is not healthy. Every home can be aired out, wiped down and swept. Homes do not need to be new or sparkling to feel good.

Fun.
One of the most important things parents can do with their children is laugh, play and actually enjoy themselves. Two things to know: it is never too late and….start now. Having fun does not mean spending money. Set up the environment for easy, silly times that will become your family memories. Play board games, get out the deck of cards, watch a silly movie and eat popcorn, play twister, Yahtzee, bingo, pin the tail on the donkey, charades, write poems, have a jingle contest, bake and decorate, go fishing, ride bikes, take a nature walk……the list goes on.

Be still.
Whether it is for five minutes or one hour, every parent must seek solace, peace and quiet regularly. If it is possible to run a bath and light a few candles once the kids are in bed, I highly recommend it. Unplug the phone, step away from the TV and computer and close your eyes…..breath. If you have access to a yoga class, sign up and learn techniques for relaxation. Pick up a quiet CD with no words, just relaxation music. Use this to help young children settle down before bedtime, and again you can model relaxation as a practice for your kids. Remember, all the chores will be there when you are done.

Balance is the way to remember who you are and to know that you will keep growing and maturing, yourself. It isn’t just your children that will grow. Adults need time to grow and stretch themselves. The better adults we are, the better we are in balance…the better we can parent our children.

HOW PARENTS CAN unSTRESS THEIR PRESCHOOLER

2009-05-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

C’mon, Mom…Let Me Play!
By Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of “ENLIGHTENED DISCIPLINE”
www.safekindandclean.com

To a child, adult approval means everything. Children who are worried about the routine occurrences that can happen during the course of a normal day may run into real problems. Let’s look at it from a child’s view.

I’m small, too short to reach many things that are offered to me, so I miss them, they fall. …spill and there is a mess.

My fingers don’t always hold onto things like a grown-up’s. My small hands don’t fit all the way around the cup that Grandma hands me….it spills. Or the plate that Daddy gives me to hold is much too heavy for me…I drop it.

My arms don’t always know what is behind me and I forget that I have to turn around and look. I knock things off…sometimes things break.

My legs are running so fast because I am so excited to go play. Maybe I will even get to be on that special swing! But, my legs went so fast that I slipped into the mud….now my clothes are all wet and yucky.

My mind didn’t realize that the pee was coming out RIGHT NOW! I wet my pants…again.

As parents, we need to remember to dress our children so that they are ready for play and LIFE as a kid. They will wash after preschool or their play date. Parents need to be gentle with their criticism and think of it from the child’s perspective.

J Do dress your child in “play clothes”. Go to the Goodwill or any second hand store in your town and pay pennies for good, sturdy clothes that won’t bother YOU if they are stained.

J Do make sure children can fasten and unfasten their clothing on their own. They can only be successful with the skills they currently have. Avoid buckles and snaps, trendy zippers and overalls.

J Do make sure you provide a change of clothes for every day. Make life more comfortable mentally and physically for the child who has a mishap.

J Most of all…curb your criticism. They have waited all day for you….maybe all week if you have shared custody. They want your hug, your kiss, your approval. Love them up!

DOG TALK? Stop It!!

2009-05-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

DOG TALK?
STOP IT.
Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of “ENLIGHTENED DISCIPLINE”

“Stop it!” is a perfect example of what I call Dog Talk. It is really quite startling to parents when I reprimand them on their speech pattern by referring to it as Dog Talk. But they sure do get my point.

Dog Talk is the use of short, clipped commands. There is really no teaching, no compassion and no patience in this style of speech. It is clear that Dog Talk is the use of commands rather than directions. If we really look at the difference to us adults it is a matter of perhaps 3 seconds that sets Dog Talk apart from Teaching Speech. But the difference to a child may be life changing!

Here the difference:

DOG TALK: “Get down!”
TEACHING SPEECH: “Samantha, standing on the table is not safe.”

DOG TALK: “Stop it!”
TEACHING SPEECH: “Jennifer, that noise is too loud. Be kind to your baby brother’s ears.”

Remember that our goal as parents is to teach and re-teach. If you seem to be repeating yourself, recognize that your child needs to hear the directions that many times to learn successful behavior. I’m sure that in your job or household life, you have had to practice skills again and again. That is what children need. Somehow, we adults think these skills should be known. Not true. They must be taught, practiced and learned.

As a parent, if we choose to use short commands (Dog Talk) we are only teaching them OUR desires. Many of us were raised that way and we did learn something. We learned what would make the adult mad. We learned (through trial and error) how far we could cross a line. But there is a better way than this fear based style of discipline. This abrupt style misses the best opportunity we have to teach children the real life reasons why a particular behavior is better, so that the child has the skills to make these decisions for themselves in their future, without you nearby.

As parents, we really do have a reason why we are seeking a certain behavior. But do you ever get caught up in it and actually forget why? This style makes you remember your reasons. I guarantee that your reasons will always lead you back to one of the foundational words that I use in the Enlightened Discipline philosophy: Safe, Kind or Clean.

Go back through the examples above. If you need convincing, think of your spouse or coworker talking to you in Dog Talk fashion. How does that feel? Would you accept that? I hope not.

PROMISES TO CHILDREN...a Slippery Slope!

2009-05-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Julie Jenkins Sathe
Author of “ENLIGHTENED DISCIPLINE”
www.safekindandclean.com

For anyone who has children or works with children, making promises is something we adults must all consider. Really consider.

If you watch yourself, the reason that you are making a promise may have motivations that are questionable, at best. Run your commitments by the Promise Meter:

Are you making a promise as a prepayment for something you want? Ex: “Susie, I promise that I will take you to the park if you clean up your toys.” (otherwise known as a bribe)

Are you making a promise because you are paying off a debt of failure? Ex: “Johnny, I know that I promised you that we would go to the park, but now I have to work so I promise you I will take you tomorrow.” (notice this is a new promise on a broken promise)

Are you making a promise for a failure of your character? Ex: “Susie, when I am not so tired I will take you to the park.”

Are you making an unrealistic promise because you don’t want to disappoint your child? “Sure, someday we can go on vacation to Disneyland.”

If you go back and reread all of the potential scenarios and get very honest with yourself, you may recognize some of your promises fit into the above categories. The interesting point is that they are really the same. Promises are creating expectations of children that misuse your power, your personal limitations, and your failures. They are simply manipulation.

If and when an adult chooses to do something for a child or with a child that that child would like, it should be completely clear of any pay off. The adult is in complete control of these relationships and is teaching their child to use promises as currency. A promise that is a commitment and is done on time, all the time is simply lifestyle. A promise that is made verbally and not done is a debt. Debt of any kind is failure and will only lead to disappointment. Most parents try very hard never to lie to their children, but because promises are currency, they are a deadly recipe for lying. Your child may not notice the first time, but eventually he/she will see you for what you are. They won’t call you a debtor; they will call you a liar.

Parents must learn to create a clean ledger page with their child. Do what you can, when you can. Do not make promises of time, activities or property that you cannot immediately deliver.

Adults have a much better understanding of time than do children. “Tomorrow” or “later” to a young child is a concept that they simply cannot yet grasp. Don’t use your power and intellect this way.

Children benefit a great deal from understanding that “things change” in life. A child can understand something like, “maybe we can go to the movies later. I will decide after shopping if we have time to go or not.”

The parent should further explain “Maybe means ‘maybe yes’ ‘maybe no’.” Have your children repeat this back to you any time you say maybe. “What does maybe mean?”

Stop Playing the Maybe Game:
If you have no intention or you are unable to do what your child desires, tell them the truth. Don’t use maybe as a new way to lie. Children will get that quick, too.

Ex: “Mommy, can I have ice cream”. We don’t have any ice cream, Susie. You can have a banana.” This truthful NO answer will be an easier truth for your child to deal with than hearing, “maybe later if I can buy some”. That is a lie and you will be caught.

Quit Negotiating with your Kids:
Give children clear limits and what they can expect of you. Ex: “Mommy, can I have ice cream for breakfast?” “Ice cream is not healthy, how about a banana and scrambled eggs?” “”No I want ice cream?” “How about a Pop Tart?” “No. I want ice cream.” “How about hot chocolate and a donut?” This could go on for days and make you crazy.

When the answer is NO it should not be watered down by negotiations. If you are open to suggestions, make that clear, too. Children can benefit from working through alternatives, but not whittling your decisiveness down. The most successful option for young children is a two choice alternative. “Do you want oatmeal or scrambled eggs?” Now, stick to it parents!

The truthful, strong parenting answer would have been “no.” A no answer will be an easier message for your child to understand what is appropriate and what your word is worth. Parents must consider that the little things, like words do make up their character in the eyes and ears of their children.

Children are smart and will learn from their primary caregiver. They will learn honesty or deceit. They will learn trust or skepticism. They will learn reality or fantasy. They will learn strength and ethics.

Keep in mind that children until age five, or so are still “magical thinkers”. They still believe in fairy tales, in Santa Claus, in monsters under the bed and in daddy coming back from wherever he went to…. Avoid at all costs confusing being gentle or letting them down easy with lying to your children. Remember, liars are always caught. Trying to be too easy on them may end up being hard on you!